new religion

[Initially, I considered exploring how historical Jesus and Lady Gaga might embody the messianic Christ-figure and why they might be driven to do so in relation to Carl Jung's theories regarding the collective unconscious and the human quest for wholeness/the Self, particularly noting the unanimity in their conviction and efforts in emphasizing the role of the symbolic. But I think that would completely change the tone I'm going for, so instead, I'll go in a more partial, earnest direction.]
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"I used to walk down the street like I was a fucking star... I want people to walk around delusional about how great they can be - and then to fight so hard for it every day that the lie becomes the truth." - Lady Gaga

A lot of people have been asking me what made me go for it, to actually cut my hair. I usually answer with how I felt it was time for a change or that I donated 10 inches to Locks of Love. And while those are legit responses, the new 'do has seriously been a long time coming. I've wanted to for so long but never did anything about it. And the truth of the matter is, I got the final boost I needed because Gaga made me brave.

I don't want it to sound like cutting off my hair is some big emotional ordeal because it wasn't, no sweat. The magical thing about hair is that -Surprise!- it grows back. I've never been one to freak out about that. What it IS indicative of, though, is this bigger picture where I finally feel free enough to start learning how to embrace who I am, who I could be.
It's sad that the steps I take to be more myself should cause such unease in others. Really though, your discomfort stems from an irrational place and frankly, the energy you put into it is entirely unnecessary. I'm sorry if who I am makes you feel awkward, but why is your convenience worth the cost of my well-being?
More and more, I'm realizing that the distinction between truth and lie is a subjective one. And because I can no longer rely on that line, I am seeing just how important it is to find my own set of truths. When they are mine, I can believe them. In the dark, I can recognize them and I will know where I stand. It's crazy that I didn't know this. I knew it but I didn't know it. Like in the biblical sense. But this reflection wasn't meant to be on the Word of God.
Today, I want to explore the Word of Gaga.
So, 'know,' like in the sense that Gaga meant it,

"When you make music or write or create, it's really your job to have mind-blowing, irresponsible, condomless sex with whatever idea it is you're writing about at the time."

Lady Gaga's been likened to a modern-day Trickster. Similarly, in the Manifesto of Little Monsters, she relegates herself to the role of the Jester. Yes and yes but as far as archetypes go, I can't help but think of how much Gaga is a modern-day Jesus.

"I just I felt like a freak. I guess what I'm trying to say is I want to liberate them, I want to free them of their fears and make them feel that they can create their own space in the world."

As I understand it, historical Jesus must have commanded a great presence to have been able to inspire such intense affect in people that they would give up everything at his simple call to "Follow me [him]." That same mesmerizing, bigger-than-anything-we-know kind of presence was what elevated Jesus from man to movement and it is the same presence that I feel emanating from Gaga, stirring the hearts of all the Little Monsters, transfiguring art into revolution and it is that very same presence which I have found myself unwittingly yet profoundly affected by.
But I think, of all the crazy things regarding my current fixation of Gaga as Redeemer, even more bewildering than being utterly intoxicated with and irresistibly drawn to the works and vision of just another mere mortal is that little ittybitty part where I believe her.

"...I want the deepest, darkest, sickest parts of you that you are afraid to share with anyone because I love you that much."

I don't have any special insights about her or what may or may not be her "true agenda," but I see that and I believe it. What is faith other than unwavering trust in the face of the unknown?
She says to Be Not Afraid and I am emboldened. Though I may walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil because she's already been there and made it her bitch. Her rod and her staff disco stick, they comfort me and give me courage.
The irony of considering Gaga as my own sort of personal Jesus has not escaped me. Gaga's iconography is rife with the occult and with this I have without a doubt ventured into Worshipping-False-Idols territory that the First Commandment was all "You shalt not" about. But the world 2000 years ago is just not the same one I live in today and God help me that she is just so damn relevant.

"It is in the theory of perception that we have established our bond, or the lie I should say, for which we kill. We are nothing without our image. Without our projection. Without the spiritual hologram of who we perceive ourselves to be or rather to become, in the future.
When you are lonely,
I will be lonely too.
And this is the fame."

My Lady, My Gaga!

---

O most gracious Lady,
I offer you my freedom,
beauty,
truth
and love.
dysfunctionally yours,
one Little Monster

"Insofar that choice and responsibility are possible through language and consciousness, it seems only natural that the therapeutic process of choosing is a verbal or awareness process."

- Prochaska, J. & Norcross, J. (2010). Systems of psychotherapy.

what do you do
when you find people so easy to love?

people who are easily lovable don't need my love
and what do i have to offer when the only thing i have is a thing you don't need

i try and love you from afar
but i'm sorry
i'm finding it hard to keep it in my chest
when you are so beautiful

You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.

They work.
I feel better.
But this way,
everything feels more real.

Today's the day I realized that I could be loved

It's cold outside.

Dear New Jersey,

A few days ago, I had a moment when I really wished you weren't so far away.

Because you see, a few days ago, I came out to my mom.

And being that you're the one that went gay for me over that summer,

And also seeing how New Orleans was the closest thing to a real relationship I've ever had,

I missed it for a bit.

And since I'm already being so embarrassingly honest, I might as well admit that I also have you to thank for kickstarting me down a road where I'm not absolutely repulsed by what I see in the mirror.

So, even though none of this really matters to you anymore, thanks. FOR THE GOOD TIMEESSS. HAHA. Nah, but really, for not ruling me out, even when I had already.

Word.

Regards,
Irvine

P.S. Happy birthdayy

I'll play your stupid game even though you change the rules every time I start winning. Don't you see it's making you so small and petty, but you keep pushing so I'll keep playing and I'll win and win until one day you stoop to a new low and then I'll tell you, "Look here sir and madam, I'm not going to play your stupid game anymore. You cheated but I kept playing and look at you now, you're covered in slime and you hate me for being spotless. Well, I quit because it looks like you won after all, you've created a face only a mother could love. Make me your trophy you can put on your shelf, because sure as hell no one will want what's left of this."

Regrouping.

I suppose not everything needs to be so complicated.

Life can be so beautiful.

It gets me every time.

It radiates a fullness I've yet to comprehend
and I stagger, captivated
by its intensity, affecting me in such a way that I am rendered immobile
satisfied with merely basking in its warmth, taken by its majesty.

I marvel at the revelation
that I could be capable of experiencing such beauty,
that I could be a worthy witness
to something so great and precious.

A thing so precious in its beauty,
a thing so great in its simplicity,
that it effortlessly reaches deep within
and continues to extend
far beyond me
that for a moment

I

become

bigger

than

my

self.

And in that moment, I am wholly open and receptive
to the possibility of greatness.
Greatness in all.
Greatness in me.

It's beautiful.

And now I see that it could all be so simple.

I have to stop perceiving life as some impenetrable debt I have to pay.

Because even though it is, I won't. I am foolish. I will falter.
Because even though it is, I can't. I am nothing. I will fail.

But you can't burden me anymore
telling me I owe a debt that I can't pay.

Simply enough, because the debt no longer exists.

How comforting it is to find my balance has been cleared.
To be told that everything is taken care of.
That I am free.
Free to live.

Life is not something I owe.
I have been accounted for.

Life is a gift.
A gift that once given will not
and cannot be taken away.

It was given to me.
And you can't take that away.

It is a wonderful, glorious gift,
filled with beauty greater than that which I can fully embrace,
given to me, freely and without reservation.

A gift, simply given,
freely and without reservation.

It's not complicated.

I need only to be big enough
and gracious enough
To give in the way I have been given.

I need only to be big enough
and gracious enough
To love in the way I have been loved.

Fully and deeply.
Freely and without reservation.

Only then would I truly gain
and only then could I really give
the deep and lasting gratitude
that is due to greatness.

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