"Insofar that choice and responsibility are possible through language and consciousness, it seems only natural that the therapeutic process of choosing is a verbal or awareness process."

- Prochaska, J. & Norcross, J. (2010). Systems of psychotherapy.

what do you do
when you find people so easy to love?

people who are easily lovable don't need my love
and what do i have to offer when the only thing i have is a thing you don't need

i try and love you from afar
but i'm sorry
i'm finding it hard to keep it in my chest
when you are so beautiful

You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.

They work.
I feel better.
But this way,
everything feels more real.

Today's the day I realized that I could be loved

It's cold outside.

Dear New Jersey,

A few days ago, I had a moment when I really wished you weren't so far away.

Because you see, a few days ago, I came out to my mom.

And being that you're the one that went gay for me over that summer,

And also seeing how New Orleans was the closest thing to a real relationship I've ever had,

I missed it for a bit.

And since I'm already being so embarrassingly honest, I might as well admit that I also have you to thank for kickstarting me down a road where I'm not absolutely repulsed by what I see in the mirror.

So, even though none of this really matters to you anymore, thanks. FOR THE GOOD TIMEESSS. HAHA. Nah, but really, for not ruling me out, even when I had already.

Word.

Regards,
Irvine

P.S. Happy birthdayy

I'll play your stupid game even though you change the rules every time I start winning. Don't you see it's making you so small and petty, but you keep pushing so I'll keep playing and I'll win and win until one day you stoop to a new low and then I'll tell you, "Look here sir and madam, I'm not going to play your stupid game anymore. You cheated but I kept playing and look at you now, you're covered in slime and you hate me for being spotless. Well, I quit because it looks like you won after all, you've created a face only a mother could love. Make me your trophy you can put on your shelf, because sure as hell no one will want what's left of this."

Regrouping.

I suppose not everything needs to be so complicated.

Life can be so beautiful.

It gets me every time.

It radiates a fullness I've yet to comprehend
and I stagger, captivated
by its intensity, affecting me in such a way that I am rendered immobile
satisfied with merely basking in its warmth, taken by its majesty.

I marvel at the revelation
that I could be capable of experiencing such beauty,
that I could be a worthy witness
to something so great and precious.

A thing so precious in its beauty,
a thing so great in its simplicity,
that it effortlessly reaches deep within
and continues to extend
far beyond me
that for a moment

I

become

bigger

than

my

self.

And in that moment, I am wholly open and receptive
to the possibility of greatness.
Greatness in all.
Greatness in me.

It's beautiful.

And now I see that it could all be so simple.

I have to stop perceiving life as some impenetrable debt I have to pay.

Because even though it is, I won't. I am foolish. I will falter.
Because even though it is, I can't. I am nothing. I will fail.

But you can't burden me anymore
telling me I owe a debt that I can't pay.

Simply enough, because the debt no longer exists.

How comforting it is to find my balance has been cleared.
To be told that everything is taken care of.
That I am free.
Free to live.

Life is not something I owe.
I have been accounted for.

Life is a gift.
A gift that once given will not
and cannot be taken away.

It was given to me.
And you can't take that away.

It is a wonderful, glorious gift,
filled with beauty greater than that which I can fully embrace,
given to me, freely and without reservation.

A gift, simply given,
freely and without reservation.

It's not complicated.

I need only to be big enough
and gracious enough
To give in the way I have been given.

I need only to be big enough
and gracious enough
To love in the way I have been loved.

Fully and deeply.
Freely and without reservation.

Only then would I truly gain
and only then could I really give
the deep and lasting gratitude
that is due to greatness.

http://bambezzled.livejournal.com/