02/27/13 - (She had asked for a secret in a business correspondence)

One time, I think I was about 6 or 7.. 
My middle sister, Judu, was about 1 or 2.. 

Anyway, it was her naptime

(My mom was away and my grandma was downstairs knitting by the baby monitor)

It was probably about 3 or 4 in the afternoon, 
Probably had just gotten out of school or something.
I had played all the things I wanted to play
And I was bored 
Or lonely (heh) 

So I snuck into her room, 
And peeked at her for a bit. 
She looked SO PRECIOUS. 

AND THEN 

I WOKE HER UP. 

So I could play with her! 

And I knew it the moment I did it, 
That I was being purely selfish. 
TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY SELFISH

I’m not sure if it was my feigned indignation towards bà nội,
That how could she not hear my baby sister stirring, 
Or that the little angel was just so cooperative,
So willing to play with me, 
Wiping the sleepy from her eyes 

I still feel terrible about it. 
More than a lot of other things I’ve done.
(And I’ve done quite a bit)

I guess it’s not a secret, as I’ve fessed up to it 
In a fit of shame and dismay
Multiple times
To my mom and to her
(and also anyone around when the memory reappears) 

Most people laugh and say that's not bad, it’s cute. 

HA. 

BUT I KNOW THE TRUTH
 :(

happy valenstine's

Wandering hearts in hidden pockets

Relentlessly reaching to find
 

One spirit in-kind

One similar mind

One beat in sync

One piece to link

Kindred.

We are the ones who still believe in magic

The space cadets,

the meanderers

We see in feeling and feel in color

Throughout the world we find the others

And amplify our signal

Of Life and Love

YOLO

Should I be more concerned about crossing that line?

Show some restraint

While my love is blind 

When I hear

In my ear

that deep sharp inhale--

You gasping for air

Your composure derailed

How would it be wrong when what we want feels real?

For a night or forever-

I can see that you're clever,
So can you really tell me, in being together

Is Time really the measure for what we endeavor?

Why does Time add value to the things we treasure?

Mm, maybe that's why

I am still feelin' fine

though I can't see that line

That people design

I can understand why, because hearts fall apart

But for now, I don't mind..

'Cause I feel as I feel

Like I did before

Sometimes less may mean less though it may sometimes mean more

I can't tell you the time it'll take me to live,

But I know what I give

And I'll believe what I'll get

Will be ONE HUNDRED ELEVEN times well spent.

In a dose or a session,
in periodic confession

I'll take it all.

Because remember?
you told me,

Time doesn't exist..

At least not in heaven

whackadoodle.

inane
insane
the virility,
our ability
turning profound to profane
net it, regret it
edit, forget it

Ingratiated
insatiated
regurgitated
intentions
in tension
try to place blame
attempts to lay claim
on Beauty, on Love
push comes to shove
everyone's the same

A Draft from 07/10/12 - #happybirthdaystine

Subject: What else..

there are:

things to do
people to meet
places to find
lessons to discover

sights to amaze
emotions to capture
moments to witness
memories to laugh over

dreams to be found
thoughts to be held
ideas to remember
seasons to be felt

words to hear
hearts to feel
melodies to create
songs to heal

dishes to taste
companions to embrace
lives to share
loves to encounter

twenty four years
like twenty four hours

i wonder what's in store for tomorrow
hey you know, it feels like i just got born


______________________________________________
[*Got the phrase 'just got born' from http://justgotborn.tumblr.com/ ala Autostraddle!]

Seriously, though.

Must we fertilize
Everything all at once?
The world smells like poo

MANIFEST
yo' deeest-iny
stiney
weenie
gotta come clean-y
wit yo'self
then help
will come
from the universe
in bursts
for real

can you feeeel

it 

it's coming 

drumming

hear 

the sound

arounddd.
like

life
is coming
for you

i think honesty might be the only thing i have going for me

but it's hard 

and being alone makes it easy to confuse anything with love

love

a little

secretly

in a daydream

take this piece from off my arm and place it on your self
so if you see them turn away
you'll still recall
your scarlet letter stands for heart

"since feeling is first" - E.E. Cummings

since feeling is first
since feeling is first
who pays any attention
to the syntax of things
will never wholly kiss you;

wholly to be a fool
while Spring is in the world

my blood approves,
and kisses are better fate
than wisdom
lady i swear by all flowers. Don't cry
—the best gesture of my brain is less than
your eyelids' flutter which says

we are for each other: then
laugh, leaning back in my arms
for life's not a paragraph

And death i think is no parenthesis 

"since feeling is first" - E.E. Cummings

[John Davies - A Visualization of Prime Numbers]
"The rule for working out prime numbers is really simple, but no one has ever worked out a simple formula for telling you whether a very big number is a prime number or what the next one will be. If a number is really, really big, it can take a computer years to work out whether it is a prime number.

[...]

Prime numbers are what is left when you have taken all the patterns away. I think prime numbers are like life. They are very logical but you could never work out the rules, even if you spent all your time thinking about them."

- Mark Haddon, The Curious Case of the Dog in the Night-Time

glorious heaven
i nuzzle in your bosom
sweet pound of french roast

I'm Always Right.. (except When I'm Left)

It may be that

when you get right down to it

there are no answers in life

none

and the only time there is a 'right' answer,

or a right

Thing-To-Do,

is when you decide that it is.



nothing is real.

“I am still every age that I have been[...] Far too many people misunderstand what “putting away childish things” means, and think that forgetting what it is like to think and feel and touch and smell and taste and see and hear like a three-year-old or a thirteen-year-old or a twenty-three-year-old means being grownup.”

- Madeleine L’Engle

Praan

I will not easily forget
The life that stirs in my soul
Hidden amidst Death
That infinite Life

I hear you in the thunder
A simple tune
A tune to which I will arise

And in that storm of happiness
As your music plays in your mind
The whole wide world
Dances to your rhythm

I hear you in the thunder
A simple tune
A tune to which I will arise

-"Stream of Life"
Adapted from Praan, a Bengali poem by Rabindranath Tagore
Via wherethehellismatt.com

Love is a many splendored thing/Love lifts us up where we belong/All you need is love

"I love the number of people you can love at the same time, one deep erotic love radiating even to strangers, crippling cynics, making a temporary sense of the senseless, choreful day." - Stephen Dunn

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

-William Ernest Henley

4.13-15.12

and in the end

what it all came down to

was that everyone here was here because they wanted to be

we all were excited to be there

i like to be different

i'm afraid when everything is said and done
it will be that i'm the one that can't commit

that i prefer to be alone
that in the end
i didn't live for love
but for loneliness

Dream Doodles from Spring-ish 2012

 Where is my mind? [a la Lisa's glass ink pen]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 night Mare [a la Bic's iPad app]