13 March 2014

22 October 2013

cold library is cold

but these kindlings could never keep me warm
so i hold on tight to this satchel that still smells faintly of fun.
as i start to think maybe
i could fly for you

16 September 2013

25 Apr 13 - Take 2 aka Statements of a Personal Nature in 495 Words

Please tell us something about yourself, your experiences, or activities that you believe would reflect positively on your ability to succeed at Penn State. This is your opportunity to tell us something about yourself that is not already reflected in your application or academic records. We suggest a limit of 500 words or fewer.
I’ve done this application grind before, back when it was singly, the most important thing in my life and, ironically, as it so often is, before I knew why it was so. (Important)
There’s a dull hum in the back of my mind as I click through these pages, the familiar array of emotions swirling around my stomach and settling in the back of my throat.  Sometimes I think back and wonder what I might have possibly done differently to ‘succeed’ the first time around, but there isn’t any one thing really. I am who I am, I think what I think, and I know what I know because of everything that’s happened and brought me here to this point today. I didn’t know anything then. So I just did what I was supposed to do.  But when you are merely going through the motions, it’s easy to become just another cog in the machine and sometimes breaking free will also mean falling through the cracks and ‘through-the-cracks’ is just another place where it's even easier to be lost.
I view my last foray into higher education as something like that. Without an accurate understanding of what going to university could mean for me and without a higher purpose to tough it out for, I fell through the cracks. 
I managed to stay afloat for 3 years but despite being so close to the end, I ultimately withdrew, because I knew there were a lot of things I needed to figure out before I continue.  For a long time, I spent every night going to bed, hoping to the Powers-That-Be, that perhaps tonight would be the night I wouldn’t wake up. It was a dark and heavy time.  I made a lot of mistakes.  I wanted to die.
It’s hard to pinpoint the moment I started to feel differently.  I’m sure the ascent was gradual, a step forward here, a step further there, but it still almost feels like somewhere, a switch flipped, and one morning, I woke up and I realized I didn’t want that anymore. I didn’t want to die...I wanted to live.
There’s a line in Augusten Burroughs’, “Magical Thinking: True Stories,” that comes to mind when I think about where I went and now, where I’m going. He says, “I myself am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.”  I feel like this, more than anything else, is what I learned from my first stint in college.
This insight, coupled with a deep, renewed desire to think and breathe and live and learn, are together the two most important things I have now that were missing before.   I didn’t know then, but I know it now. And now that I do, I am ready.  I am confident I have what I need to succeed at Penn State and that the knowledge and skills I learn here will in turn help me in propelling my good intentions into great action.

09 August 2013

29 Jul 2013 - sometimes i make things up

Dear Diary,

Today I looked up engagement rings and ate an excessively inappropriate amount of carbohydrates. The Internet told me to beat a sore throat by gargling whiskey so here I sit cradling a bottle close to my chest as I stare at a beautiful girl on the teevee. She's good at eye contact.  I'm working on that.

The last time I had bronchitis I quit smoking so I could heal. But the cough persisted until I finally got tired of being a quitter and decided to fuck it and smoke one of my coworker's menthols. I also fucked him and smoked his menthol but that's another story.  The cough went away after that. The shame didn't.

I've been trying so hard to come up with beautiful ways to reframe all these not-so-beautiful things. I think I've forgotten what truth means and now nothing is real unless I think of it in the abstract.

Or at least, 'Isn't it pretty to think so?'

I did a lot of drugs today and now I'm afraid to fall asleep


26 March 2013

so long and thanks for all the fish

There was one, in between the many, over the course of the night,
that felt different from the rest.
When I knew,
That'd be the one I'd remember you by
Along with your hands, placed ever so lightly on the V of my shirt.
And that airy wisp of a secret I pretended you told to only me.

But even with my vision blurred
I could still see the distance behind your eyes
And maybe that's why we started it off
     already collecting mementos...
Because we knew, (maybe), that was all we really had.

27 February 2013

02/27/13 - (She had asked for a secret in a business correspondence)

One time, I think I was about 6 or 7.. 
My middle sister, Judu, was about 1 or 2.. 

Anyway, it was her naptime

(My mom was away and my grandma was downstairs knitting by the baby monitor)

It was probably about 3 or 4 in the afternoon, 
Probably had just gotten out of school or something.
I had played all the things I wanted to play
And I was bored 
Or lonely (heh) 

So I snuck into her room, 
And peeked at her for a bit. 
She looked SO PRECIOUS. 



So I could play with her! 

And I knew it the moment I did it, 
That I was being purely selfish. 

I’m not sure if it was my feigned indignation towards bà nội,
That how could she not hear my baby sister stirring, 
Or that the little angel was just so cooperative,
So willing to play with me, 
Wiping the sleepy from her eyes 

I still feel terrible about it. 
More than a lot of other things I’ve done.
(And I’ve done quite a bit)

I guess it’s not a secret, as I’ve fessed up to it 
In a fit of shame and dismay
Multiple times
To my mom and to her
(and also anyone around when the memory reappears) 

Most people laugh and say that's not bad, it’s cute. 



14 February 2013

happy valenstine's

Wandering hearts in hidden pockets
Relentlessly reaching to find
One spirit in-kind
One similar mind

One beat in sync
One piece to link


We are the ones who still believe in magic

The space cadets,
the meanderers

We see in feeling and feel in color
Throughout the world we find the others

And amplify our signal
Of Life and Love